The uncomfortable silence
Some of you may expect this starts with the usual way of describing silence…
The point you can hear nothing but the chirping of a bird, the ticking of a clock, or the screaming of a mind even?
But, when I tried desperately to describe silence as vividly as possible, I couldn’t… I couldn’t hear them all. This is the literal meaning of silence, the uncomfortable one. Not the one you hoped it to be; silence yet heart-warming, silence yet tranquil, silence yet reassuring.
Everything is ridiculously quiet. Still and slow. Numb and empty.
Everything just stopped. The earth stops rotating, the star stops appearing at night, the sun stops shining, and the worst of it all… the music ends, and we are not dancing anymore.
Everything else is cold. Yet, strangely, I’m a piping hot mess; my heart, my soul, and my mind. My cheeks are red. My lung is like a burning forest. My neck is filled with flame. My body is a living inferno. I’m all fired up.
Wondering what triggers them all… contemplating, revisiting, rewinding everything…
Why is everything so… silent, yet I’m like a ring of fire ready to explode?
Deep down, I’m fully aware of the answer, but all of my nerves are collaborating, working together to make a fence, a high, complex, and barbed one, to obstruct my thoughts coming to my heart as it is indeed impossible to handle.
The thought of the possibility of someone new walking into your life — Replacing my presence that has been gone for months now. Time might fly, but I’m going nowhere. You, as the subject of my mind, are going nowhere. This feeling is going nowhere and remains the same no matter how hard I fight it.
As if your shadow is still around me, hugging me, saying everything is alright, and I will be ok. As if your deep gorgeous eyes are in front of me, staring at me, making me feel loved. As if your hands have no space with my skin, touching every inch of me, a way of making me feel wanted. As if your scent is circulated in the same air that I breathe, I sense you everywhere. The more I think of you, the more heated my body is.
But everything is merely a thought because, frankly, we are gone. Us is gone. We’re in this painfully uncomfortable silence.
No single word is articulated, yet so many are in the back of our heads. Not even a “Hi”, our favorite word, as it means that we still have a long adventure ahead of us, as it means we still desire each other’s presence, as it means that we’re not ready to lose each other’s company.
This silence makes me want to scream, stridently, uttering how much I hate this, how much I can’t see you with another person, how much I have my adoration only for you.
And I want you to also scream at me, confidently, uttering how you feel right now, even if you say you’re doing just fine with the silence, even if it means I have to hear that you’re trying to fall in love with another person, even if I have to listen that you stop adoring me.
Slap me with your words, not your silence.
Because at least, I can listen to a melodic voice of yours again. Because at least, there’s a slight thought of me in your mind again. Because at least, I will finally be reminded that I should also try to fall in love again… to let somebody in… and to replace you. Because at least, I can break this uncomfortable silence.
